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The Birds, the Bees, and Blended Families
Is Divorce the Best Option?
Dear Dr. Weiss-Wisdom,
I am in a bad marriage. We fight all the time and have very little in common any more besides our children. For a long time now, I've thought that we should hang in there for the sake of the children but I'm starting to think that we aren't doing them any favors by doing so. The dread of all the change involved in getting divorced is starting to pale compared to the pain of staying in the marriage. My youngest asks me about once a month, "are you and and Daddy getting divorced?" I know we are not supposed to fight in front of the kids but we can't seem to help ourselves; besides the hostility between us is palpable even when we are not overtly fighting. We've been to counseling in the past and nothing seems to really help. Could it be that divorce is the best option for the whole family?
-Pondering divorce
Dear Pondering,
Many people struggle with this dilemma of having grown apart from their spouse but not wanting to unravel the life that they've built together. Ideally, children live with a loving mother and father under one roof. But when the marriage has deteriorated to the point that you are describing, I can see why you are considering other alternatives. There is more than one way to raise a family. Blended families (in which at least one of the adults has a child from a previous relationship) currently out number traditional nuclear family structures. Sometimes, when there is a lot of fighting and unhappiness in the home, children express relief when their parents separate. As you probably already know, one of the worst things for kids is to be caught in the middle of ongoing hostility storms between their parents. Psychologically, they sometimes think that they are the cause (irrationally or unconsciously) of your conflicts. Furthermore, children are skillful observers and learn about relationships by watching their parents. So, what do you want your children to learn? If you and your husband can't find your way back to a loving friendship or peaceful co-habiting, some other alternative may be preferable for everyone concerned.
As we all know, it takes two to tango. Even if you and your husband divorce, you'll still have to interact for co-parenting sake. I recommend that you do some soul searching to understand your own role in these marital problems. Sometimes, when we do our own work and change the way we look at things -our relationships unexpectedly shift. Perhaps you can write down some specifics about how you'd like your relationship with your husband to change. Forget about his behavior for a moment and ask yourself how would you behave if the two of you were getting along or better yet, in love. And then try to behave that way. So in other words, I suggest that you focus on trying to reduce the discord on your end and think of it as practice for if you have to get along as co-parents. Treat him as you would like to be treated. And you are right, if you and your husband decide to divorce or if you decide to stay married, keeping hostility out of the mix or at least away from your children is of the utmost importance.
Diana Weiss-Wisdom, Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist psy#12476 is in private practice in Rancho Santa Fe and Carmel Valley, California.
You can reach her at (858) 259-0146 or www.drdianaweiss-wisdom.com
The Birds, the Bees, and Blended Families Listening to Stepparents Dear Dr. Weiss-Wisdom, My wife and I both have young children from our prior marriages. We have the same values and ideas about how to raise our kids. My wife is a stay at home and so she is with the kids all day. The problem is that my kids don’t want to be disciplined by their stepmom. When the kids fight with each other, my wife can only handle her kids; my kids won’t listen to her. She waits for me to come home and then she tells me about how my kids misbehaved; then I have to deal with the kids. They don’t deny their stepmom’s report to me but they prefer to have me discipline them vs. their stepmom. It’s an unpleasant situation for all of us. What do most people do in these situations? - Longing for peace in the evening Dear Longing, Happily, you and your wife are in agreement when it comes to parenting. Remember when you were in grade school and the authority of the teachers was backed by the principle and usually the parents too? You knew that you had to listen to your teachers because that’s what was expected of you. If you and your wife firmly tell your children that she is charge when you are not there and you are in charge when she is not there, they will know what is expected of them. Some families like to sit down together and discuss what the household rules and expectations are. The rules will probably include everyone behaving respectfully toward one another. The kids may not like being reprimanded or having limits put on them by their stepparent. But they learn that this is the way that their new family works. I know a couple who was in this situation – the stepmother was a stay at home mom to five boys. When they broke the rules by playing ball in the house for example, they knew that the consequences were to take a time out in their rooms. So, when their stepmom caught them breaking the rules by playing ball in the house, she’d interrupt them and say, “Boys, what do you think that your father would say right now?” “He’d tell us to stop,” they would say. “And what else?” their stepmom would ask. “He’d tell us to take a time-out,” they would reply. “So what do you think you should do?” their stepmom would ask. The boys would then voluntarily go to their rooms, take a time-out and get it over with. If you and your wife are consistent together about rules and consequences your family will have an easier adjustment. Diana Weiss-Wisdom Ph.D. is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist (psy#12476) in private practice located in Rancho Santa Fe (a few minutes north of Carmel Valley and just east of Del Mar). You can reach her at (858) 259-0146 or through her website at www.drdianaweiss-wisdom.com.
The Birds, the Bees, and Blended Families WHEN A SPOUSE GETS ILL Dear Dr. Weiss-Wisdom, I’ve always been attracted to older more stable guys. Even when I was in high school, my first boyfriend was already in college. So, it didn’t come as any surprise to me or anyone who knew me that I married a man eighteen years my senior. My husband was a wealthy self-made man when we met. Admittedly he changed my life dramatically but in all honesty I didn’t need the big house and the first class lifestyle. At the time, I enjoyed being with him. So, I was happy to sign a prenuptial agreement which I thought made his children more at ease. Without going into details, my husband has fallen ill. He has some serious life threatening health is and his son who’s never had any success on his own, is attempting to take over our affairs. I’m not writing for legal advice but I thought it important for you to have some background on the situation. I’ve heard from my children that their stepbrother has been suggesting to people that I don’t have his father’s best interest at heart. My immediate problem is that this has hurt my self-esteem. It has caused me to question my own values. While I love my husband, I have been feeling generally unhappy lately. Even though I feel like escaping the situation sometimes, I thought I was handling things well. I also thought I had a good relationship with my stepson and his family but now feel alienated. I don’t want to trouble my husband with any of this but I’m feeling more and more distant as he allows his son to elbow into our lives. I don’t want to abandon my husband but the truth is that the only way that I feel a little better is to get space by spending time with my girlfriends. It’s the only thing that makes me feel better. Do you have any ideas for how I should handle all of this? Dear Struggling, When a loved one develops a life threatening illness, it can throw each family member a curve. If you and your stepson have had a good relationship, maybe you could start by talking with him about his concerns. Initially, you could try behaving toward him as you would like him to behave toward you and give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he is scared and trying to be helpful in his own way. If your attempts to communicate with him reveal him to be disrespectful and adversarial toward you, you will probably need to talk with your husband. Understandably, you don’t want to disturb him; but if the situation is causing you to distance yourself, that could be hurting him more and perpetuate the problem at hand. If I understand correctly, your ‘hurt self-esteem’ is stemming from feeling hurt, scared, and confused about how to handle your whole situation. It’s natural to need your own time with friends especially while your spouse is ill. There’s actually research that when women spend time connecting supportively with other women, it stimulates the release of serotonin in the brain. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter that promotes a sense of well-being. As human beings, we are wired to connect; we need and thrive amidst caring, safe relationships. At the same time, developing our own internal compass offers the most reliable stability. If you are being honest with yourself and behaving in your own and your husband’s mutual best interest – that is the most important thing. You can feel confident in your decisions. There is a saying that “what other people think is none of my business.” We can drive ourselves crazy worrying about what other people may be thinking about us. If you try behaving in ways that you feel good about, you may feel better. I know a woman who became an artist while her husband was coping with cancer. She stood by him, loved and cared for him. After some time, she started feeling trapped and depressed and took up oil painting as a way of tending to her own spirit. I recommend that you try to find something that helps sustain you while you cope with your husband’s illness as well as trying to practice forgiveness while the rest of the family members do the same. Dr. Diana Weiss-Wisdom is a licensed psychologist (psy#12476) in private practice in Rancho Santa Fe. www.drdianaweiss-wisdom.com (858) 259-0146.
The Birds, the Bees, and Blended Families NOT ATTRACTED TO MY HUSBAND – BIG PROBLEM? Dear Dr. Weiss-Wisdom, This is my second marriage and it’s the second marriage for my husband too. My first husband was very good looking and we had great chemistry. I was very attracted to him but within a couple of years it was clear that we were poorly matched. After the divorce, I decided to find someone who could be a great friend and life companion; this was more important than looks or sexual chemistry. So now I’m married to a man who shares my values and interests. We have a great time together. The problem is that he wasn’t very attractive to begin with and now with a few years under our belts, he’s even less so.
We go to holiday parties and I see couples that seem so in love and find myself longing for that feeling again. I don’t want to hurt my husband and best friend but I don’t feel fulfilled in the romance department. I know that some people have affairs to fill what they are missing in their marriage but I don’t want to be that kind of person. Do I just need to bury these feelings and make the best of what I have in my marriage? Is that even possible? Can couples be happily married when there is not any sexual chemistry?
- Don’t Want To Be a Two Time Loser Dear Don’t Want to Be a Two Time Loser, There are couples that live happily together without much of a sexual relationship; they seem to value their history and companionship more than anything else. But more often, people want to have the closeness that romance and sexuality can bring to a marriage. Emotional intimacy is really what keeps the spark alive in long term marriages; if you and your husband have that kind of closeness then your marriage might be worth trying to save. While the initial limerence of romance can be intoxicating, ultimately it fades and it is the friendship between a couple that makes or breaks a relationship. It’s more than a long shot that you can rekindle a spark if none was there to begin with – but before you throw in the towel, try talking with your husband about your need to have more romance in your relationship. You could give each other some examples of behaviors and activities that you would each find appealing. If there never was any sexual chemistry and your friendship is still good, you have a very difficult decision to make. The rare person in your situation might try to sublimate their sexual appetite into another area of their life that they find fulfilling. And you are right, when there is a lack of romantic and sexual connection in a marriage, it does make the couple vulnerable to the wandering eye. Everyone has to decide what is most important to them and base their decisions on that. While the alchemy of sexuality has always inspired relationships, the mainstay of a long lasting marriage remains feeling safe, cared for, and having fun together. Without the friendship, most couples lose any sexual spark that they originally had. If there is any spark at all remaining between you and your husband, you could try cultivating that together. Couples counseling focused on you romantic and sexual life together could be transformative; it could result in rekindling things… or that you mutually decide to separate. Your desire to have more of the spark that you see between other couples is natural and could be a source of inspiration in your life. But remember that the holidays can create a lot of expectation and yearnings for a story book life. People often feel like they are missing out on something special happening just over yonder. So while you contemplate your situation, try to keep in mind that for all we know the greener grass across the street could be astro- turf!
Diana Weiss-Wisdom, Ph.D. is a Licensed Psychologist (psy#12476) in private practice in Rancho Santa Fe, California, 92067. (858) 259-0146 www.drdianaweiss-wisdom.com Second Marriage Jitters The Birds, the Bees, and Blended Families Dear Dr. Weiss-Wisdom My boyfriend and I are both divorced with children. We want to get married but we’re nervous about how to make it work. We both had terrible marriages the first go around. Now things will be even more challenging with the complication of blending our families. What are some things that we can do that will increase our odds for success? - Nervous to wed again Dear Nervous, Your concern is understandable. At least 60% of all second marriages end in divorce, so in my opinion, you both are well advised to look before you leap. The good news is that plenty of divorced people move on to have happy, successful marriages. Excellent research done over the last couple of decades has identified the key factors to what makes marriages succeed or fail. Generally successful couples: - Identify problems early and tend to them;
- They learn to bring up problems gently and without blame;
- They accept influence from each other as equal partners;
- They set high standards for how they want to be treated before they marry;
- And they focus more on the bright side of the relationship and try to cultivate that.
It’s true that blending your families poses greater challenges than the average marriage. But, it also can offer even greater rewards. And by the way, couples that do pre-marital counseling are less likely to get divorced. Here are some cliff notes for creating healthy blended families followed with some reading recommendations. - Make sure that you and your partner share the same basic values when it comes to parenting, money, and lifestyle. For an extreme example, if the prospective partner believes strongly in corporal punishment and you don’t, you’ll want to know that going in. Having a unified parenting approach with all the children in the family is an important ingredient in blended families.
- Start talking with your children about the idea of blending your families long before the marriage. Do lots of listening and include them in the wedding.
- Keep your expectations low. Most blended families take approximately two to seven years to integrate; spending quality time together, making memories and allowing bonding to happen naturally, is the best way to go. Try to pace the children giving them the time that they need to adjust to the new situation. It doesn’t usually work to push the children into creating relationships.
- Flexibility, tolerance, forgiveness, and openness are especially important in blended families.
- Strengthening and tending to your marriage is as important as any other aspect of your family if not more important. The marriage is the foundation of your family and it benefits everyone if it is strong and flourishing
- Recommended Reading:
- ‘The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the World’s Foremost Relationship Expert’ by John M. Gottman
- ‘Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts’ by Lee and Leslie Parrot
- and Jennifer Green.
- Diana Weiss-Wisdom, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist (psy#2476) in private practice. Her office is located on Rancho Santa Fe Farms Road, just off of Carmel Valley Road in Rancho Santa Fe.
- (858) 259-0146 or drdianaweiss-wisdom.com
The Birds, the Bees, and Blended Families Handling a Sensitive Situation Dear Dr. Weiss-Wisdom, My father has been married numerous times and he consistently has terrible taste in women. Most recently, I ran into my current “stepmother” at a restaurant having a romantic dinner with another man. They were all cuddled up and kissing in a dark corner of the place and she didn’t notice me there. I thought long and hard about whether I should mention it to my father. I’ve never liked her and always thought she was a gold-digger. I don’t want to hurt my Dad or cause trouble where there isn’t any. I just don’t want to see him taken advantage of. What do you think I should do? - Devoted Daughter Dear Devoted, This awkward situation that you find yourself is not all that unusual. Statistics indicate that approximately 30-60% of married individuals engage in infidelity at some point during their marriage. In polls, most people want to be told if their spouse is cheating. But not everyone feels this way. A small sampling of people would rather turn the other cheek or they may secretly have an open marriage. If your father is older and had multiple marriages, sadly, his expectations may be very low for his current marriage. Even if your stepmother is cheating and your father finds out, he may chose to stay because he doesn’t want to be alone or start all over again. So, if you decide to tell him, you might keep it on the mild side and let him know that you saw your stepmother out to dinner with a man who you didn’t know. You could add that it was surprising because they seemed very cozy. And leave it at that. After all, it was a dark corner and the person that you saw could have been her long lost cousin Uncle Harry – a member of her family that she hasn’t seen in some time!! The point is you want to be really sure before you make these kinds of accusations which can set off a whole series of consequences. You want to be absolutely sure that the person she was cuddled up to wasn’t a close family member of hers that was visiting from out of town. For example, somebody could have a sister or a brother that they haven’t seen in a long time that they feel very close to. They could sit very close to each other if they haven’t seen each other in a long time. You want to be really carefully before you sound the alarm.
Warning: if you do talk to your father, he may get angry and defensive toward you. It sounds like you feel close enough to your father and are not concerned about your relationship weathering this potential storm. I’d suggest that you tread lightly and keep your expectations low. Remember, it’s up to your father to pursue the situation further if he wants to – in the end, it’s not your affair.
Diana Weiss-Wisdom, Ph.D. is a Licensed Psychologist psy#1247 in private practice in Rancho Santa Fe, on the border of Carmel Valley. She can be reached at (85) 259-0146 or www.drdianaweiss-wisdom.com. The Birds, the Bees, and Blended Families Are Stepfathers and Fathers Equal? Dear Dr. Weiss-Wisdom, My husband and I have been quarreling about my kids. When we married five years ago, my children were all still under 10 years old. My husband was so great with my kids, its’ part of what made me fall in love with him. Since the divorce, my ex-husband hasn’t been very involved with the children, which has worried me because I think they need a man in their lives. This has made their relationship with their stepdad even more important. He doesn’t have kids of his own and it seemed like in his heart, he adopted them as his own.
But since they’ve become teenagers, he seems much less involved. I know that adolescence is a challenging time, but I think the kids need his involvement more than ever. I feel like my husband has dropped the ball on his commitment to be there for the kids. He tells me that he loves them and is there for them but things just don’t seem the same. I’m feeling angry and resentful. Can you shed any light on the situation or offer any suggestions.
- Looking for a father figure
Dear Looking,
As a mother bear looking out for her cubs, it sounds like you have found a ‘father figure’ for them in their stepfather, who may be more tuned in to your children than it seems. Teenagers often want more independence and ‘space’ from their parents. And the relationships are different because the kids are changing. Research reveals that parental involvement and closeness tend to decline during adolescence for both nonresident fathers and stepfathers as adolescents strive for more autonomy, time with peers, and other outside activities. I wonder if you’ve asked your children how they feel about how things in the family are going. Some people like to have discussions at dinner about these kinds of things or have a ‘family meeting’ once a week to talk about any issues that need addressing. Kids usually aren’t chomping at the bit to do this kind of thing, but it can be illuminating and help everyone stay connected in a deeper way.
Children who have a close relationship with a father figure do tend to get better grades and have more traits that foster resiliency. You might find it interesting that twenty-five percent of U.S. adolescents report having and enjoying close relationships with both a stepfather and a nonresidential father. And while twenty-four percent of adolescents report being close to neither father, the most common situation is one where adolescents report being close only to the stepfather (35%); only 16% of adolescents report being close only to the nonresident father. Generally, a good relationship with a stepfather can be just as beneficial as a good relationship with a nonresidential father. One of the factors determining how close children are to their stepfather is the quality of the marital relationship. Adults who are happily married may be more available to the children; and the kids tend to be more accepting of their stepfather if they see the marriage as a positive thing for their mother. Referenced used for this article: The Antecedents and Consequences of Adolescents' Relationships With Stepfathers and Nonresident Fathers, Valarie King, Department of Sociology, The Pennsylvania State University, 211 Oswald Tower, University Park, PA 16802 ; J Marriage Fam. 2006 November; 68 (4): 910-928
The Birds, the Bees, and Blended Families It Takes Two to Tango Dear Dr. Weiss-Wisdom, I’m so discouraged with my marriage that I almost don’t care anymore. I stayed in my first marriage because of the kids and now I’m remarried and doing the same thing again. I have two teenagers from my first marriage and a five year old now with my second wife. It’s probably my fault because my second marriage is turning out exactly like my first. We have a cold war. We don’t see eye to eye on anything and we’ve become like roommates. Other than not wanting to disrupt the kids’ lives again, there’s nothing really keeping me here. I think that maybe I should just stay and raise the children because I’m just not lucky in love. How do I know if it is me that can’t keep a good relationship or if I’m with the wrong person again? -Second time loser Dear Second Time, Marriage is a challenging endeavor especially if you want to have a happy one. Blended families make the journey even more precarious – with children and stepchildren in the mix. People usually stop caring when they feel so hurt, abandoned, and frustrated that they go into self protective mode. Maybe that’s where you and your wife both are. Your question about whether it’s you or you keep mating with the ‘wrong’ person suggests that you are open minded and willing to take some responsibility for your part in things (always a requirement for improving a situation). Naturally, it takes two to tango, but there’s a variety of things that can throw the rhythm off. Reciprocal listening to one another’s verbal and non-verbal cues and respecting your differences is essential to having good chemistry on the dance floor in all aspects of married life. Individual or couples counseling that focuses on the underlying fears and unmet needs in your relationship could help you identify the cause and cure of your frozen marriage. Happy marriages require a safe and loving connection; one in which you can trust that the other person has your back and that your heart is secure in their hands. If you can identify the underlying cause of what caused things to go south between you and your wife, you have a chance of turning things around. Once you are aware of the destructive dance steps that both of you are doing, you can work to stop doing those. And then you are in a position to learn a new dance that is more conducive to a close, caring, and playful relationship. If you and your wife are unable to do this alone, an experienced couples’ therapist can be of great assistance. Recommended reading: Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships (Paperback) by John Gottman Diana Weiss-Wisdom, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist psy #12476 in private practice in the Carmel Valley/Rancho Santa Fe area. (858) 259-0146 www.drdianaweiss- My presentation "Positive Psychology, Blended Families, and Stepparenting" given at UCSD on March 10, 2009 is available on the web at the following link: Should Step-Mom Intervene? Dear Dr. Weiss-Wisdom, My husband’s ex-wife has a boyfriend that behaves in ways that my fifteen-year old stepson is very uncomfortable with. It's to the point where he refuses to sleep at her house. My stepson is in high school and under a lot of stress already. He seems hurt and withdrawn. My husband is picking up the slack from his ex pretty well. He’s finding extra time to spend with his son. He’s also burning the candle at both ends and getting exhausted. He has very little energy left for our daughter and me. I think that he needs to talk with his ex-wife about the way she is letting her boyfriend behave with his son. But my husband is a conflict avoider.
I am struggling with how involved I can/should get. Frankly, I'm mad at my stepson’s mom. He’s a good kid and deserves better. I’d like to call her up and give her a piece of my mind. My husband says that he needs my quiet support; he believes that it will all blow over. And therein lies the crux of my question for you. It's about boundaries. The problem is, I feel myself simmering and I worry that I will erupt. I know if I get really loud about my feelings, he will try to appease me and speak to his ex-wife but is that a healthy dynamic? - Step-Mom wants to do the right thing.
Dear Step-Mom, The scenario that you describe is one of the most common challenges in blended families. The husband avoids confrontation with his ex-wife, hoping to keep conflict to a minimum. The problem is that these difficult situations don’t usually get better by themselves. They require intervention. Typically, it goes like this: the man wants to be a good citizen and tries to avoid conflict with his ex-wife. He views himself as a peacekeeper. What he may not realize is that his behavior is affecting his wife and her home life too.
It’s kind of like not saying anything to your neighbor whose dog keeps barking late into the night keeping your family awake. You don’t want to upset your neighbor and as a result you are sacrificing your own quality of life.
Without knowing the exact nature of the boyfriend’s behavior, it’s hard to know how to advise you. It definitely sounds like some family counseling might be helpful. At the minimum you could use your influence to get your stepson some good counseling.
If confronting the mother of the children has a chance of being productive, ideally, it would be their Dad that would handle it. Rather than pushing your husband to take action, give him your support. Let him know that you appreciate his good character and heart in wanting to keep the peace and be there for his son. Focusing on his strengths will help give him the confidence to confront his ex-wife if and when he chooses to do so. If you think it would be productive and your husband doesn’t mind, you could call his ex-wife to talk about what’s happening in the family. If you do call her, try asking questions first. See if you can get her perspective on the situation before launching in with your view. I recommend that you proceed cautiously and don’t take any action in anger. Before you do anything, try blowing off steam by talking with your friends or by writing in a journal. And don’t give up in your efforts to gently and constructively encourage your husband to directly address problems as they come up.
Diana Weiss-Wisdom, Ph.D. is a Licensed Psychologist (psy#12476). Her office is in the Rancho Santa Fe/Carmel Valley area. She works with individuals, couples, and groups. (858) 259-0146. www.drdianaweiss-wisdom.com.
The Birds, the Bees, and Blended Families
Commitment without Marriage
Dear Dr. Weiss-Wisdom,
My girlfriend and I are high school sweet hearts. We are both twenty-eight years old and have been together for ten years. We’ve decided that we want to have a child together but we don’t believe in the "institution of marriage." We don’t think that we need a piece of paper to prove our commitment to each other. A little background: we both come from divorced families. None of our parents talk to each other and we both remember the divorce as a very difficult time in our lives. We love each other and have promised each other that even if we decide to not be together some day, we will maintain a friendship. This may seem like a weird question, but do you have any suggestions for how to maintain a longterm commitment without getting married?
- Commitment-minded couple
Dear C-MC,
Actually, your question isn’t strange at all. Many people are questioning the value of being married versus having a serious committed relationship without getting married. We live in a time when the marriage rate is going down, the co-habitation rate is going up, and the majority of first-born children are now born to unmarried parents.
Most kids whose parents divorced are cautious and even skeptical when it comes to trusting that a romantic relationship will last. It sounds like you and your girlfriend are trying to be realistic about your commitment and not assume it’s “till death do us part.” Some people think that if you don’t get married, but cohabitate, they’ll be less hurt and disappointed if it doesn’t work out. This isn’t usually the case.
Interestingly, when one explores the concepts of commitment and marriage, the similarities outweigh the differences. Merriam Webster’s dictionary defines commitment two main ways: as either being confined to an institution or making a promise or vow in which you are obligated to follow through. As you can imagine, couples who view their commitment as constricting and confining are less likely to thrive than couples who see their relationship as an opportunity to grow, explore life and love together.
Thirty years of research on marriage versus cohabitating consistently reveals that marriage has more benefits for adults, children, and communities (emotional health, physical health, and personal wealth). The premise of marriage is “I will be here for you.” The premise of a cohabitating relationship is “I will be here for you as long as the relationship works for me.” Marriage is a unique union that assumes the promise of permanence; this can inspire more effort to make things work than a situation that is accepted as possibly temporary.
Whether you marry or aim for a longterm commitment, premarital education and counseling can hedge your chances of success. Research shows that couples who put the time and effort into preparing for commitment have healthier marriages. Learning the skill requisites for building and maintaining a positive relationship can offer rich rewards.
Having said all of that, the attitudes and behaviors that help to build and maintain a strong marriage are equally applicable to cultivating a fulfilling longterm committed relationship.
· Establish clear expectations and goals for the relationship and be open to mutually changing these as you grow individually and together;
· Give the best of yourselves;
· Focus on the positives and try to cultivate those more; (John Gottman’s research found that five positive experiences for every negative one is the tipping point for maintaining a strong relationship);
· Be willing to learn new ways of thinking and acting in the relationship based on feedback from your partner;
· Learn and play together;
· Respect your mutually defined boundaries.
· Make some kind of public commitment in front of your friends and family.
It’s a free country, and you both should do what you think is best. But if you don’t get married, you miss out on a lot of perks (approximately 1,800 tax benefits and other advantages and rights).
The following resources were used for this article and can provide more in depth information on the value of marriage vs. cohabitation.
1. The National Marriage Project, The state of our unions 2000: The social health of marriage in America (New Brunswick, NJ: The National Marriage Project, 2000).
2. Survey Research Center, "Monitoring the Future Survey" (Ann Arbor: University of Michigan, 1995).
3. David Popenoe & Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, Should we live together? What young adults need to know about cohabitation before marriage (New Brunswick, NJ: The National Marriage Project, 1999).
4. Jeffry H. Larson, Should we stay together? A scientifically proven method for evaluating your relationship and improving its chances for long-term success (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2000).
5. Linda J. Waite & Maggie Gallagher, The case for marriage: Why married people are happier, Photo Credit Comstock, Inc. healthier, and better off financially (New York: Doubleday, 2000).
6. J. Abma, A. Chandra, W. Mosher, L. Peterson, and L. Piccinino, Fertility, family planning, and women's health: New data from the 1995 National Survey of Family Growth. National Center for Health Statistics. Vital Health Statistics 23 (19) (1997). The Birds, the Bees, and Blended Families “I Don’t Want To Be The Maid!” Dear Dr. Weiss-Wisdom, I’m living with my boyfriend who has two kids under eleven years old. What do I do if I don’t like his kids? They are lazy and watch a lot of T.V.-even during the daytime. They don’t pick up after themselves or have any chores. I feel like I’m the maid! When I talk with my boyfriend about it, he agrees with me and gets on them; but they know it’s really coming from me because he didn’t start asking them to do anything until I moved in. I also don’t want to be a nag and keep complaining about the kids to him. It doesn’t seem like that will be good for our relationship. He’s a really great guy and I’d like to make the relationship work. Do you have any suggestions? - Struggling girlfriend Dear Struggling What you are going through is common during the early stages of developing a stepfamily. This could be an ideal time for you and your boyfriend to learn more about each other and what you would like your family life together to look like. Stepfamilies are difficult and more challenging than first families for many reasons. And couples who have pre-marital counseling have higher marital success rates…hint..hint… For families recovering from divorce, it can be like taking a boat from dry dock out into the ocean; it can take everyone a little while to get their sea legs. So, maybe you and your boyfriend can sit down together and talk about your values, how you want to raise the kids, and what’s required to make your relationship work. For example, maybe your boyfriend has some tips on how he’d like you to remind him when the kids need discipline or nurturing. Divorced parents are often distracted and family routines are disrupted. A new adult on the scene can help with the restructuring. In blended families that thrive, stepparents are involved in parenting but initially it’s behind the scenes with the biological parent on the front lines. And couples get good at discussing problems in ways that are not destructive to their relationship; while there aren’t always simple solutions to the various challenges that will inevitably come up, both parties can feel understood, accepted, and respected by each other. Divorced dad’s can be especially lax on chores and discipline because they don’t want their limited time with the kids spent on reprimanding them. Sometimes when parents feel guilty about the effects of the divorce on the kids, they want to make everything else as easy as possible for them. I’m sure that you know parents who do everything that they can to keep their kid’s lives as stress free as possible. The problem is that this approach can end up short changing the kids who build character and self-esteem through facing and overcoming challenges. It’s possible that the children’s mother is struggling with the kids and their habits; in the best scenario, you, your boyfriend, and his ex (and her significant other if she has one) would all come together to create the same rules and consequences for both households; this would be in everyone’s best interest. In the meantime, before you commit to a long term situation here, I’d suggest that you try to find some likeable qualities in his kids (your potential future stepchildren). For example, when you see them hanging out in front of the television on a gorgeous southern California day, also think about the fact that your ‘step-son’ has a good heart and wouldn’t hurt a fly. You might also try getting to know the kids better. If they are open to it, one way to do this is by spending some one on one time with them doing something that you both enjoy. If you come from your heart and focus on their positive qualities, it can help them and your relationship as well. The research consistently shows that stepmothers report having the most difficulties in blended families. You might find it helpful to reading some good books about stepfamilies, pitfalls to avoid and methods for success. Two good books are: Wonderful Ways to Be a Stepparent by Judy Ford and Anna Chase The Truth about Stepfamilies: Real American Stepfamilies Speak Out about What Works and What Doesn’t When It Comes to Creating a Family Together by Anne O’Conner. Diana Weiss-Wisdom, Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist (psy#12476) in private practice in Rancho Santa Fe (on the border of Carmel Valley). She works with adults, couples, adolescents, and groups. (858) 259-0146. www.drdianaweiss-wisdom.com
Dear Dr. Weiss-Wisdom, My daughter and my ex-wife have always had a volatile relationship. It seems to have gotten worse since we got divorced. My ex-wife is complaining that our sixteen year old daughter is staying out past her curfew and being promiscuous with boys. My daughter says that her mom is exaggerating, but I hear reports from others that what her mother is saying is true. My daughter wants to change her living arrangements to 80% at our house, and 20% at her mom’s. She usually keeps her curfew at our house and we don’t have any problems with her. Her mom is angry if I let our daughter live with my wife and I more. I don’t really understand what’s going on and I don’t want to make things worse. What do you recommend? - Concerned father Dear Concerned Father, Your daughter’s behavior could be related to the divorce. Maybe she’s lost respect for her mother for some reason. And maybe she feels some alienation from you, since you have less time together. I’d be curious to know how she’d respond to more attention, time, and love from you. You might try taking even more interest in her friends and how she chooses to spend her time. As you probably already know, raising teenagers requires a delicate combination of sweet and spice. They need limits as well as room to test their wings. I’ve seen teenagers who play their divorced parents like a fiddle – they avoid negative consequences in one home by running to the other. Ideally, you and your ex-wife would come together and create the same ground rules and consequences for your daughter in both of her homes. If your daughter is being promiscuous, she may be experimenting or “looking for love in all the wrong places.” Sometimes, people use sex as an escape from their problems similarly to the way people use alcohol or drugs. If your daughter is engaged in high risk or self-defeating behavior, she’s probably trying to get some need met in a destructive manner. Sometimes with divorce, kids are better off in one household over the other. I’ve known families where a little space ends up being a good thing for the parent and child having difficulty – they end up solving their differences and coming back together. Understandably, having less custody of her children would be troubling for most mothers. Ideally, your ex-wife can agree to a temporary change to see if that helps at all. In the meantime, family counseling could accelerate the healing process.
The Birds, the Bees, and Blended Families
Is My Child Mentally Ill?
Dear Dr. Weiss-Wisdom,
I fear that there is something wrong with my child. We can tell that there is something off and it’s obvious to others too. He talks too loud, he doesn’t play well with others, he gets easily frustrated and angry. We hoped that he would outgrow it, but he is eleven now and it just seems to be getting worse. He seems unhappy and out of sorts most of the time and can’t keep friends. Our family physician thinks we need to take him to a child psychiatrist, but we’re worried about putting such a young person into psychiatric treatment. I guess we’re also hoping that our child isn’t mentally ill.- Concerned parents
Dear Concerned Parents,
It’s a common fear that parents have. Every parent hopes to have children free of mental disorders or disabilities of any kind. The classic definition of a mental disorder or mental illness is a pattern of thinking, feeling, or behaving by an individual that causes chronic distress or disability atypical to the individual’s age group or culture. Like most things, health and illness exist on a continuum of various gradations.
In my opinion, the first thing that has to be done is an assessment of your child. The assessment is going to help you and the health provider understand the problems at hand. The next step is to examine the different treatment options. Just based on what you’ve written, you are describing symptoms of a child with a possible mood disorder. But it’s important to not jump to any quick conclusions because there could be other explanations for what is going on with your son. If he does have a mood disorder, it’s very likely that he could have a normal life with the proper treatment.
Out of desperation and economy, parents may rush to find the magic salvo in the form of a drug. Consequently, many kids today are overmedicated. Medication in certain circumstances is absolutely essential and can be life changing. In my opinion as a psychologist, ideal assessment and treatment are conducted in tandem by a psychologist and a psychiatrist working together. Every concerned parent wants the best for their child. I think that an assessment which includes individual and family counseling is important before making any decisions about psychiatric treatment (which usually means medication). Fortunately, there is very effective treatment for the whole continuum of mood disorder variations.
The Birds, the Bees, and Blended Families
Men and Depression Dear Dr. Weiss-Wisdom,My thirty-two year old stepson has hit some hard times and has had to move in with us. He lost his job, lost his condo in foreclosure, and his girlfriend broke up with him. I’m very worried about him, but my husband thinks he has to just tough it out. My stepson stays in his room most of the time (he says he’s applying to jobs with his laptop) and doesn’t want to talk. He hasn’t been seeing his friends and he’s not interested in doing much of anything. My stepson and I have never been very close, and I don’t know if there is anything that I can do to help him other than giving him a break by letting him stay at our place. Do you have any suggestions?
- Worried stepmomDear Worried SM,It sounds to me like you and your husband have reason to be concerned. Depression is often overlooked and misunderstood in men because the symptoms can look different than they do in women. Generally, women are verbally expressive about how they feel. Men suffering with depression are more likely to withdraw socially, complain of fatigue, irritability, loss of interest in work or hobbies, and sleep disturbances.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, researchers estimate that at least six million men in the United States suffer from a depressive disorder every year. Depression can become a serious illness if it’s not treated properly. Sometimes, undue stress can bring on depression. Your stepson has had severe setbacks in several major areas of his life, all at the at the same time. While under these circumstances, it is normal for your stepson to be feeling down, it’s important to take the warning signs of depression seriously. More men commit suicide than women, often it is done suddenly without warning.
Ideally, your husband can talk to your stepson about seeing a doctor for a diagnostic evaluation and treatment. If your husband doesn’t think it’s necessary, you can try talking with your stepson directly about your concern - let him know that most people would feel depressed with what he is going through. Letting him know that depression is common among men and is nothing to be ashamed about, may be helpful. Sometimes people have to make an appointment for the depressed person and help them get started in appropriate treatment. His symptoms should begin to lift within several weeks of treatment or the treatment approach should be re-evaluated.
When people are depressed, it can help to have a good listener who doesn’t judge their feelings; they require extra understanding, patience, affection, and encouragement to get better. Even though you and your stepson are not close, it wouldn’t hurt to invite him to take walks, see movies, and engage with you. You can gently insist, but avoid making him feel guilty if he declines. This crisis in your stepson’s life may bring you closer and help you to deepen your relationship. Most people really appreciate the people that are there for them when the chips are down.
After reading this, if you think that your stepson is seriously depressed, insist that he get treatment. Of course, you’ll need to have your husband on board. Below are some reading suggestions that might be helpful for your stepson as well as for you and your husband. Depression is a serious illness, but with the right treatment, most people eventually get better.
“I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression “ by Terrance Real
“Is He Depressed or What? What to Do When the Man You Love is Irritable, Moody, and Withdrawn.” By David Wexler, Ph.D.
Diana Weiss-Wisdom, Ph.D. (psy#12476) is a Licensed Psychologist in private practice. You can contact her at (858) 259-0146 or through her website at www.drdianaweiss.com
The Birds, the Bees, and Blended Families Disillusioned in Blended Family LandDear Dr. Weiss-Wisdom,
As strange as it seems, as my step-kids and I grow closer they seem to push me away even harder. I continue to feel like a second-class citizen in my own home. When my wife and I married five years ago, she was clear that she was not interested in having more children. I thought that being a step-dad would fill the void more than it does. During the holidays, I felt it even stronger - that the connection between the kids and their mom is different from anything that I will ever experience with them. I don’t know if I’m doing something wrong or if this is the normal experience for stepparents.
- Lonely step-dad
Dear Lonely SD,
I’ve heard some insightful step- kids say that they don’t want to feel closer to their stepparent than their biological parent. One young man who had developed a close and meaningful relationship with his step-dad told me that he didn’t want to feel closer to his stepfather than to his own father. He lived with his mom and step-dad 80% of the time and with his dad the other 20%. He had more time with his stepfather; they also had more in common. But the stepson had a deep longing to be connected to his father. He calibrated his closeness with his step-dad based on certain boundaries that he felt; he would only allow the relationship to develop so far.
It might be illuminating to talk with your wife or your step-son about how things are going. Step-relationships are influenced by the underlying dynamics of each particular situation. Many of these dynamics are out of the your control. I usually advise stepparents to lower their expectations and accept that the connection will be different than it is for biological parents. Stepparents are responsible for being a kind and supportive presence, often without the emotional goodies that parents can receive. This is not to say that stepparents and step-kids can’t have real love and friendship between them; it’s just that the level of attachment is usually different. Accepting the reality of a situation doesn’t necessarily make it hurt less when you get pushed away. But it does allow you to have proper perspective when it happens. Being a resilient stepparent requires having an optimistic outlook, faith in human goodness, and the courage to love.
People often have children to fill the void inside; children can give a sense of purpose and meaning to one’s life. Usually, having children only partially or temporarily fulfills the existential needs inherent to the human experience. Ultimately, we need to find our own internal compass that brings us a sense of meaning and wholeness. The challenge of finding our center and keeping our balance is a universal one. When you are feeling lonely, it may help to remember that we all come in to this world alone, and we leave alone. But at least we all have this in common.___________________________________________________ Divorced Dad Dear Dr. Weiss-Wisdom, I’m a divorced dad with two young kids. My ex-wife and I are like oil and water. No matter how hard I try, we can’t seem to get along. She makes it hard for me to talk to the kids when I don’t have them. The kids relay hateful comments that she makes about me. I don’t want to tell them that their mom is lying but I don’t want to ignore it either. Confronting their mom will only make it worse. Do I just suck it up and take it? - Recently divorced Dear R.D. Dad, People usually divorce because they can’t get along and don’t see eye to eye on important life matters. It’s no surprise then that after divorce, co-parenting becomes a challenge. In some cases, an individual or a dynamic between two people is so difficult or troubled that no matter what you do, it will not improve. The best you can do is engage as little as possible. You say that your ex-wife and you are like oil and water. Oil isn’t wrong for being oil and water definitely has its good qualities, so remember that it takes two to tango. Have you ever been in a room with someone who you don’t like or with whom you have an unresolved conflict and the air is so thick that you can cut it with a knife? My advice is this: Continue being careful with your own behavior toward your ex-wife and the vibe that you are giving off verbally or non-verbally. If she insults you directly or the comments continue coming from the kids, you might ask her about it. Try not to be attacking, but come from a concerned place. See if you can shift your focus to creating more cooperation and understanding on your end. Over time (and you’ll have lots of time to work on this because you are going to be raising your children together), you may be able to create a more harmonious co-parenting relationship. Your situation is not uncommon in the early stages of divorce, when the adults are still recovering and sifting through the debris of their hurt and anger. And kids don’t always report accurately. They are going through their own emotional experience with the divorce and may have ulterior motives. They may be mad at their mom or you or think that confiding in you will make your relationship closer. Some kids try to put words to the non-verbal cues that they are getting. Sometimes they misread the cues so ii you haven’t heard the words directly from your ex-wife, the jury is still out as to what exactly transpired. If the kids tell you that their mom said something and it’s just not true, you might say gently but firmly that their mother is mistaken - rather than saying that she is lying or trying to make you look bad. As you probably already know, putting kids in the middle of the conflict between their parents is one of the most damaging things for kids going through divorce. It’s so important for both parents to stay in consistent contact with their children with the transition to divorce. Some divorced dads try to call their kids every night just to touch base. The conversations are often brief, but the children end up knowing that their dad is thinking of them. If your ex makes it hard for you to connect with your kids, ask them to call you. Or send them emails or texts if they have cell phones. Maybe you could encourage their mother to call the kids and check in with them when they are with you…and ask her if you can do the same when she has them. Some people have regular contact by phone or email or web-cam in their custody agreements. Don’t give up on trying to stay in touch with your kids when they are with their mom. When the dust settles, most parents want the best for their kids – knowing that they are loved and on their parents’ radars is probably a goal that you and your ex-wife can share. Diana Weiss-Wisdom, Ph.D. (psy#12476) is a Licensed Psychologist in private practice. My new office is located off of Carmel Valley Road and Hwy 56. You can contact me at (858) 259-0146 or through my website at www.drdianaweiss.com The Birds, the Bees, and Blended Families Getting through the Holidays
Dear Dr. Weiss-Wisdom, I am a recently divorced mother of a fourteen year old boy. This will be our first holiday season since the divorce. My ex-husband is already engaged to be married. He wants our son to spend Thanksgiving with his fiancé and her two children. When I asked my son how he feels about it, he told me that he liked it better when his Dad and I were together. I’m anticipating getting really down over the holidays. I find myself going over my marriage in my mind, thinking about what went wrong and what we could have done differently. I’m having a hard time letting the marriage go and accepting that my ex-husband has moved on. I feel guilty for putting my son through the divorce and worry about the damage that it will cause him. Do you have any advice to help a recent divorcee get through the holidays? - Dazed divorcee
Dear Dazed Divorce recovery is a process that takes varying amounts of time depending on the person, situation, and length of the marriage. For most people, it takes much longer than they thought it would. It’s always good to try and learn from past mistakes so that we can handle things differently in the future, but at some point it isn’t productive anymore. I don’t know if you’ve been in any kind of counseling since your divorce, but it might be helpful. Many people have also found that divorce recovery workshops can help them to bounce back faster. It will be important to surround yourself with good friends and family over the holidays and keep yourself busy. Be careful with your diet and exercise habits – alcohol and excessive holiday treats can exacerbate depressive tendencies. One of the best buffers for children going through divorce is to keep them out of any conflict between their parents. You don’t want your son to have to choose one parent over the other. It’s ideal for him to see his parents cooperating with each other. Your ex-husband and you could have Thanksgiving at different times so that your son can attend both celebrations (although one can only eat so much turkey!). When you find your self longing for the good old days when your family was intact, be wary of selective memory. It’s easy to idealize the past. Remind yourself of what went wrong in your marriage. You could try making a list of all the reasons for the divorce; then make a list of what you have learned and the qualities that your ideal relationship of the future will have. Children going through divorce often take their cues from their parents. The more comfortable and at peace the adults are with the situation, the better for the child. For your own sake, as well as your son’s, you need to find your way to accept this new situation and move forward with your life. The Birds, The Bees, and Blended Families Dad’s Responsibility Dear Dr. Weiss-Wisdom, My ex-wife is angry with me because I have stopped seeing my teenage daughter. She wrote into your column and asked you what she should do. She didn’t listen to your advice and called to yell at me anyway. My daughter was very argumentative with me and refused to do her chores at my house. She was willing to clean her room and the dishes after dinner but that was it. She was living with me every other weekend. Recently she yelled at me that she didn’t want to stay with me anymore; that she wanted to live with her mom full time. I agreed to that. Be careful what you ask for right? My girlfriend and I are getting along much better now that my daughter is gone. I feel relieved. I haven’t seen my daughter since she left (about two months). I hope I’m teaching her a lesson. She needs to be respectful toward me if she wants to have a relationship with me. Do you have any thoughts on this? - Confident in my decision Dear confident, At the risk of seeming argumentative, may I ask you why you are writing to me if you are so confident about your decision? I can only speculate that while you may feel superficially relieved, deep down you don’t feel very good about it. Teenage girls are normally not the easiest people to get along with as they explore their budding independence and new hormonal fluctuations. Since you haven’t mentioned any problems other than your daughter being argumentative and only willing to do some of her chores, I’m going to assume that she’s otherwise a good kid. Parenting is a hard job part of which is to not give up on our children. If you and your daughter mutually decide to not live together, make sure that you find time to see her on a regular basis. Take her out for a meal or show interest in her by attending an event that she is involved with. She is at a critical developmental juncture in her life and needs your active presence in her life. Her experiences with you now can influence her future choices in relationships with men. It is important that your daughter doesn’t feel abandoned by you or that you have chosen your girlfriend over her. After a divorce, it isn’t unusual to have negative feelings toward one’s ex-spouse –children of the same sex can remind a parent of their ex-spouse. In other words, does your daughter remind you of the issues that you had with her mother? If so, think about whether you are punishing your daughter for being like her mother or just selfishly unwilling to tolerate your discomfort with their similarities. Try reading ‘Uncommon Sense for Parents with Teenagers’ by Michael Riera, but first call your daughter.
Regarding Forgiveness, Do It For Yourself
Dear Dr. Weiss-Wisdom,
My brothers and I are in our thirties and our parents are in the middle of a divorce. My mom is already involved with someone else. It's a man that she's supposedly been “only friends” with for about five years. My dad is pretty devastated. My brothers and I have tried to stay out of the middle as much as possible. We've also been trying to accept my mom's new relationship. He seems like a nice guy and we've never seen my mom this happy before. The problem is that I'm angry with her and I can't seem to let it go. I'm trying. But my mom has no patience for my hurt and upset about the divorce. We used to be close and could talk about anything. She keeps telling me that she has a right to have her own life and that she doesn't have to answer to any of us. How can I heal and forgive when she seems so uncaring about my feelings and what she's done to our family?
- Confused and angry daughter
Dear Confused and Angry,
Many people think that divorce is less painful when the kids are older; in some ways it may be and in other ways it isn't. Often times, parents stay in unhappy marriages until their children are grown out of consideration for their kids. Sometimes, while they are waiting, they meet someone who is a more compatible partner for them. In a few cases that I have seen, the parent that was trying to be sensitive to their children, felt like they were putting their own life on hold for years. In their mind, they were protecting their children from the disruption and pain that divorce can rain. Your mother may be in this situation - where she feels she has put her life on hold for years and she doesn't want to feel bad about putting herself first now. Understanding another person's perspective can sometimes help make a situation easier to digest.
Regarding Forgiveness, do it for yourself. It is easy to sit in judgment of others but none of us live our lives perfectly. When we hold resentments toward other people, it's like carrying around hot coals in your chest. It won't punish her if you don't forgive her; it will punish you. The benefits of forgiving have been taught by religious teachers for eons and has recently been confirmed by science. Apparently, forgiving can reduce all kinds of health problems whereas people who typically don’t forgive have more health problems. Forgiveness is an essential part of healthy and happy relationships. I know it’s easier said than done. Here are some reading suggestions that may help you get started:
Forgiveness Is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope by Robert D. Enright, Ph.D.
Forgiveness: The Greatest Healer of All (Paperback)
by Gerald G. Jampolsky (Author), Neale Donald Walsch Recommended Reading:
The resilience factor, Reivich, K. & Shatté, A. (2002)
Learned optimism. Seligman, M.E.P. (1991)
The optimistic child. Seligman, M.E.P., Reivich, K., Jaycox, L. & Gillham, J. (1995).
Stepmother for the Long Run
On Blended Families
Dear Dr. Weiss-Wisdom,
It all began about five years ago when I met my now husband. He had a seven year old daughter and we got along great. It seems that thru the last 2 years that my step daughter as gotten to where she hates me. I have been married to her dad for about 3 years now and we have a daughter of our own who is one and a half. It seems that now when she comes over (we have her a week and her mom has her a week,50/50) that she doesn't talk to me, she acts like she can't stand being around me. A most recent example is that it was my birthday a week ago. She came over and didn't even speak to me, like many other times her dad and I both asked her what was wrong, she replied nothing. She then continued to have an attitude all week. Her dad asked her if she ever told me happy birthday or apologized for being rude? She said no and that I would get over it.... That really hurt my feelings. When we try to talk to her about how she feels, she shuts down even more. Also, her dad was in a terrible accident six months ago and we are financially a little strapped. She tells us about how her mom treats her to all kinds of things and complains that we don’t get her more stuff. We only buy her what she needs. Do you have any advice because I feel like giving up? Please help! Sincerely, Stressed out
Dear Stressed Out,
Do you think that the problems started when you became pregnant? From your description, you got along well until then. Your stepdaughter may feel threatened by the baby. She may feel left out and angry and is rejecting you first.
Many blended families have had this same experience – it’s a big adjustment for kids who only have their father part-time to see a new baby having their dad full-time. She may feel that there is not enough love to go around. She will have to see in time that this is not so.
Your stepdaughter has pushed you away and is creating just what she feared – a loss in her relationship with you. Reach deep into your highest self and decide not to take her behavior personally. It’s probably more about her fear than her true feelings toward you. Try giving her space and kindness while her father guides her to have manners and decency toward you. Include her and encourage her relationship with the baby so she feels less left out.
Money and things may be symbolic of the love and attention that she craves. If her father and you focus more on her special place in the family – her dad’s first child and the baby’s big sister, she may need less material proof of her value to you. In most similar kinds of situations, step kids later appreciate how their parents hung in there with them when times got tough. Don’t give up. With some firm guidance and lots of patience, your family is likely to improve in time.
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